thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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