Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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