low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
