The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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