I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
