She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
