I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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