This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
