Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
