we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
