We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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