I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
