and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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