I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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