I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
