So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
