Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
