Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
