If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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