We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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