I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
