Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
