after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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