Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
