Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
