chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
As shirtless as possible
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
