I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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