When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
