Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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