All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
