Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
