Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
