I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
