You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
