Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
