I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I will pee on everything he values.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
