Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
