I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
