The maid of honor just puked.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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