i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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