she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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