I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
