Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
