I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My breasts were aching with rage.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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