Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
