if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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