I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
