i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
