Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
