Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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