the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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