My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
