It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
