Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
