Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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