I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
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Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van