I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes