cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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