I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
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you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything