There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
