Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
